Snap, Crackle, Pop

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I loathe the doctors office. Seriously. It probably wouldn't be so bad if I went to a civilian hospital/office, but since my husband is military I get to embrace the joys of Army medical offices. Some sarcasm for ya. The thing you have to understand with their retarded way of thinking is how the appointment system is set up.

Say you need to see the doc but no rush, you'll get the nearest appt and take time off work. Wrong. Because there are soooo many people at base, if they do it this way apparently 3 months would get filled up in mere minutes. So what you will need to do is take your day off in advance, wake up at 5:45 in the morning, call the appointment hotline, hope you get to speak to someone, and pray you actually get to see the doctor and didn't take the day off for nothing. Retarded, right? Yeah, especially if you randomly wake up sick. Usually your work requires you to call in 2 hours prior to your shift to take off. I can't forsee the future, Army! Not to mention you are only open 8 to 5, Monday through Friday and that is my literal work schedule.

See my problem? So basically this means I hardly ever go; I rarely get the chance to. Thankfully my boss is in Ohio today and tomorrow. Score! I haven't been in since November 5th, and my medication for my neck injury has gone out[I was in a car accident back in July] and I've been having this horrible cough for the past 3 weeks. My boss' husband just found out he has pneumonia and said I should get checked. Awesome. And I may have kinda forgotten to get my dose of Depo. Sue me.

My doctor jokes around and makes fun of me a lot. It's hilarious. He usually gives me a little bit of shit for letting things pile up to the point where I come in with 5 things wrong with me. Hehehe, sorry dude. Because of this I usually end up going home with a bag of goodies. More sarcasm. I hate the fact that I'm only 22 and for the last year and a half my medicine cabinet looks like a 50 year old's.

Last July I got rear ended pretty hard when I was leaving the base. I have no idea where in the hell that guy thought he was going that fast considering I was at a DEAD stop waiting to turn right onto the main street. He just so happened to be an Army medic. Way to go, universe. He was still in his ACUs[uniform]. Long story short I have thee worst neck pains you can imagine that occur on a daily basis and limit me from doing numerous things.

I got to lay on my back while my doctor cracked nearly every damn bone in my body. Pretty sure I even shouted 'fuck' at one point. Made the nurse laugh at least. When he was done all he could do was laugh and say "you really snap, crackle, and popped, didn't cha".. Punk. Nah he's awesome. Told me he was starting his own private practice though :/ My reaction was "Noooooooo! You've been my doctor for a year now and you're the only one that knows how royally fucked up I am. Plus you let me say things like that" Haha. I'm gonna be sad when he leaves :( And I have bronchitis! Ain't nobody got time for that!


Afterwards they told me to get my shot and then grab my prescriptions so I can book it back to the laundry piling up at home. The woman pricked me a little harder than usual and gave me a band aid with little fishies and bumblebees on it. Kid status right there. I was waiting in the chair for them to call my name when the woman  at the front desk yell- whispered "Mrs. D, Mrs. D, psst!"...I look around to see who in the hell is calling for me when she goes "Did you get your, you know, *mouths* Depo?"...Like it's a crime to get birth control around here. I'm not ashamed of it...but I just nodded my head even though I feel like face palming, when they call me up to get my bag of treats. At least it was only one bag this time. 

Hope you all have a better day than I'm having!



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1 comment

  1. 1. All military medicine is this awesome. Too many people share your suffering.
    2. I ALWAYS go in with a list of stuff wrong with me. My HM2 (the Navy's version of a medic) gives me so much crap... always.
    3. I usually walk out of the pharmacy (which is just as painful as going to medical) with SEVERAL medications. I'm sure people are like, what's wrong with that girl?
    4. Sometimes with military medicine you have to be VERY insistent on getting your way. If you think you should see a civilian doc, ask for a referral from the doc. They might try to fight you, but if you fight back, they will eventually give (or they should as its YOUR body).
    5. They whisper so they don't get in trouble for sharing your personal info.. AND because you're in the Bible belt. ;)

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