I Miss That Punk

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There will be no humping today.
For J is gone, and I can't wait for him to come home tomorrow.
Last week I talked about how nice a little break would be for a marriage. 
But that's just it- a little break is all that is needed.

The day we got married


J went away for 2 weeks for pre-deployment training [he doesn't leave until January] and I looked on the bright side and thought how nice it would be to have some time away from each other. He would do his thing with the Army, and I would get things done around the house.
It didn't really bother me that much, especially when I came home to a trashed house and no J to yell at for it.
After all, I'm a very independent person.
But that all changed rather quickly and it sort of took me by surprise.
You see, we've always had this long-distance type thing going on since we were in high school.
He lived up the hill in the desert which was 45 minutes away from my city, so we had to plan things out in advance. We didn't see each other in school every day like most teens do and that was normal to us.

After we graduated, things got really rough for him. 
Long story short- he moved in with his mother up in Utah, and I was devastated.
We ended up taking a break and I moved to Vegas. 
Well, we couldn't stay away from each other and started the long distance thing. Then he joined the military.
He went to various states in a short period of time and I dealt with it. It was fine.
I had a life- 2 jobs, school, living in one of the busiest- never-ever-sleeps- cities.
We wanted to get married once he came back from basic, but a deployment quickly changed that.
I spent a year away from him.

Fast forward to now.
At first, being by myself was kind of awesome. I didn't need to cook big meals, there was no one to clean up after, and I could watch my "girly" shows whenever I wanted to.
Then after day 3 I got rather bored.
The weekend rolled by and I became quite lonely.
I realized I couldn't do this. I was freaking out and having little panic attacks.
I realized if I couldn't survive a couple of days without him while he was on post, how in the hell was I going to survive his next deployment?!
I scrambled through my brain trying to figure out how I did it the first time.
And then it hit me.

The circumstances are completely different. Last time I was living in a big city, with a roommate, their puppy, 2 retail jobs, school, and a hectic social life. I was never home.
Now it's the total opposite.
I will be living alone, in a small town with almost no friends, no family whatsoever, 
and no way to contact him.
What am I going to do?!
At first you think you've changed. Somehow you've become completely dependent and have lost yourself. Did marriage change who I am?
No, it didn't.

It's not that I became less independent. I still do most things on my own, and I've always been that way.
But once you're married [or living with your s/o] you get used to that life.
Used to that person being there every single day. To talk to. To lie next to you in bed every night.
And once that is gone, you feel empty inside.
For your other half is no longer with you.

I'm not sure what I am going to do once January rolls around.
Part of me hopes the rumors are true about the unit who will already be there just extending a little longer so there is no need for J's unit to be there. That they will just close everything up to get our troops out of there instead of J's unit being the last ones there.
But that isn't how the Army works.

Maybe I can get a roommate so that someone will be in the house with me.
Maybe I can get a dog to keep me company and help me feel safe.
Maybe I should do tons of volunteer work and drown myself in activities to take my mind off those 9 months.
Whatever it is, I need to do something.
I don't want to feel as alone as I actually am.



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