Scared

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Hello lovekins!

I am sticking to what I said and blogging every day this month! Will it be hard? Duh. Blogging even on the weekend? Challenge accepted.

Day 7- What you are most afraid of: I could scratch at the surface and say how I am utterly SCARED SHITLESS of clowns. Yep, clowns. Fuck clowns. Funny my ass. People always ask me what I see when I look at them. My response is their smile turns evil and they get this creepy look on their face and then pull a knife from behind their back. Yeah, it's that serious. I didn't say scared shitless for nothing. I even had a trippy dream when I was little that a clown that only I could see was chasing me around my elementary school playground. Not cool.

This happened every time they came near. Get away!

...


But what really scares me is losing someone I love. 
My husband, my mother, my sisters, my nephew, my friends, my baby. If one of them were to go I'd seriously lose my shit. I don't even know where to begin to describe the feeling of your husband leaving to another country not knowing if he'll come back in one piece, or at all. Every time there was a knock at the door a part of me was scared to death there was a soldier on the other side of it assigned to give me terrible news. 

Senior year of high school we had an assignment in psychology class to create a scrapbook of our lives. From birth to present had to be accurate and from then on we had to come up with an extremely detailed story of how our lives would play out. We had to include things such as marriage, births, achievements, jobs, and deaths. When I wrote the scene of finding out my mother died I literally cried as I wrote it. I refused to put much detail into because the actual thought of it was too much to bear.  I wrote that it effected me to the point where I couldn't continue working because there was a hole in my heart. That I wouldn't get out of the griefing stage for at least a year. Because I truly believe that's what would actually happen. 

So if you'll excuse me, I have to tell my mother I love her.
Along with everyone else.








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1 comment

  1. I love these challenges. I decided to start in the middle today, too.

    Losing family? Oh, don't get me started. I used to cry thinking about that possibility.

    It's part of life, but that doesn't make it easy.

    (Clowns in haunted houses freak me out most. And people in masks, any mask.)

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