Love is...Waiting

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Today marks 1 month that J has been gone. It's been a rough one, and even though I don't have to, I find myself needing to apologize for my absence the entire month. I literally did not know what to do with myself the majority of the time.

The day he left I didn't want to go home to an empty house. When I finally had to go home, I didn't want to go to sleep in an empty bed. True, we've been apart for training or traveling, but this was different. I knew he wasn't coming back any time soon. I couldn't sleep for shit. I stayed on the couch watching tv until my body was forced to drift to sleep. That way when I woke up in a haze in my living room I really wouldn't know what was going on and would end up in my bed. 

It was like that for awhile. That Monday was supposed to be my first day back to class, and I just couldn't do it. When you randomly burst into tears for no reason and are pathetic enough to wear your husband's dirty shirt because it still smells like him, you really shouldn't be among people. So I emailed my professor and explained what was going on. Instead I ventured out into the cold [bad idea] and went to Walgreens to stock up on junk food, candy, soda, and everything else I usually don't eat. I downloaded practically every Disney movie, and old school Disney Channel Original movie [I'm talkin to you Brink! and Alley Cats Strike] and had myself a little kid movie marathon in my living room.

It went on like that for days, literally living off beef jerky, sunflower seeds and cashews. My poor body... Eventually not being able to sleep in my bed turned into not being able to sleep at all, as in becoming nocturnal. I would end up crashing around 4 or 5 in the morning and sleeping until noon or later. Things turned ugly. Days were blurring together and I was starting to become a shut in. Every now and then I went to a friend's house but it just wasn't the same. 

Somewhere around the 25th I knew this couldn't continue. I allowed myself to be the mopey loser wife for far too long but that phase was about to end. I needed to suck it up if I was going to make it during this entire deployment. I used to be such an independent person, and granted yes, being used to your significant other sleeping next to you every night and seeing them every day kinda cancels that out, but this was the perfect opportunity for me to get back in touch with myself. Once he began to email me and soon after, skyping me, I was much better and knew that it was time to get back on my feet.

I found a new family to nanny for and started yesterday, I'm back in school, and I'm committed to getting into shape. All these things should not only take my mind off things, but hopefully make time go by a little faster. I know some days will be tough, but I will never go back to how I was at the beginning of the month. I simply can't. It's not healthy and no person should live that way.

So, 1 month down- another 8 to go. I can do this.


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3 comments

  1. where'd he go? sorry he's gone. hope the mths go by fast.

    http://hotpinkowl02.blogspot.com/

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  2. I've been missing reading your blog!
    I am sorry you had a bad few weeks! I hope you start getting your mind of it for the most part and focus of you, I can't imagine what you are going through, but always here if ya need someone to talk to, just an email away!

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  3. You've got this girl!! I've been missing you in the blogosphere!

    P.s. You have to share all of your cute deployment stuff you've been working on!!!

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