Nashville Shenanigans

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I'm alive!!!!!!

I know, I know- I'm terrible. I really didn't mean to take two weeks off from blogging. The first couple days were due to Spring Break and actually living life but soon after my computer caught a virus and that was a bitch and a half to get rid of. Honestly I'm not even sure if it's fully gone, since my computer is still acting like it has a wicked hangover. Over the weekend my internet went out so me and the electric company are at war. Even my boss' internet isn't working, so it's definitely those bastards. Meanwhile I'm sitting here sucking all the data from my phone's hotspot. That's gonna cost me later...

I had the awesome opportunity to join in on someone else's fun this weekend, which is always nice to be invited somewhere. The nanny across the street watches a child a year older than Jay Bird and they are beginning several classes and activities together. This is the best news I've gotten since J left, considering now I don't have to spend my entire day with a little boy, and can have adult conversations from time to time.

To Downtown Nashville we went! Did a little shopping, a little drinking, and a whole lot of laughing! I need more weekends like that. Heaven on a stick. Plus I didn't drive so yay me!

'My tampons are the size of a footlong'
....
That's right, and that 'footlong' is in Afghanistan!
*wink wink*


We ate at Dick's which is a fitting name because they are supposed to act like dicks to you. They get paid to be rude and sarcastic so naturally, I fit right in. Once your food arrives they make these paper hats and plop them on your head with silly sexual sayings...say that three times fast. I told the guy if he touched my hair I'd punch him in the face. Like a good boy he listened. 


We def need to do that again. Next time, more bars!



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Little Man Moustache Bash

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My friend's adorable little mixed baby turned 1 this past weekend and I couldn't say no to helping out with the birthday party, whether she asked for it or not. Any excuse to decorate and I'm there. I live for this shit. Plus I got to take the nanny kid which was fun for the both of us since he got to be with other children and for once [even though I should feel this way by now] I truly felt like a real mother. P.S.- I totally rock at it.
Instead of boring you with the story of the day, I'll let pictures tell the story. That, and I'll just get irritated about the balloons blowing away all over again. Let's just say never trust an 18 month old to hold them. Money wasted.


Getting everything ready!

Birthday boy and Jay bird

It was actually very hard to blow the moustache whistles...hehehe

They dunked his face. He was pissed

The best step-by-step reaction to eating a cupcake ever
Fucking priceless

I love how he offered and then was like 'well more for me then'


Jay bird had so much fun chasing balloons and getting a sugar rush that by the time I buckled my seatbelt to take off later that afternoon he was already knocked out. Parenthood has got nothin on me. Don't worry J, I don't have baby fever.

Well pretty ladies, tomorrow starts my 3-day Spring Break and I could not be more excited! I've got a couple of wife-dates planned for Nashville and will have my first cheat day of eating clean cause hellooooooo Cheesecake Factory. Also, I am so over this effing weather and now that it's warming up I plan to take full advantage of it and wear my new heels that just came! So in love.

Peace out.
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Birthday Boy!

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My baby boy is 1 today! Where has the time gone?! How can my precious little child already be an entire year old? Ugh, now I know how real moms feel when time has passed them by and they feel old. Not in a bad way, just in a way that escapes my mind because I've taken for granted the time we get to spend with our loved ones.
J is so sad and feels like a terrible father for missing his son's first birthday. True story, he really said that. Call us crazy, but these are our children and we treat them as such. Milo get to go crazy with the whole can of mealies for his present! I think he was so overwhelmed he didn't know what to do with himself.



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Frozen

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Sunday night my boss told me to rush home before 5 because a big storm was coming. I did not know how right he was. It started hailing around 6 and didn't stop all night, I know because I went to bed at 2 in the morning and it was only getting worse. It looked like Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs outside, pouring snow cones in my front yard. If only I could have eaten my way out of the driveway, I would have been fine.

The next morning I woke up to this...


Yes, my Christmas lights are still up. Not because I'm lazy, but because it's colder than a snowman's testicles outside and I'm not going to willingly venture out into it just to take them down. I mean, this shit made it's way up to my porch. This white powder may look pretty, and in all honesty I wish I had a dog and/or baby to use an excuse to go play in it, but it made for extremely dangerous conditions. The whole town shut down. I'm not kidding. Schools have been closed since Monday and so has post. No one dared venture out there let alone drive, unless to of course go sledding. There were over 100 accidents reported between 5 and 8 Monday morning. Yeah, fuck that.

So I got to sit my happy ass on my couch and have a Reign marathon and get swept away in French [made up] history. No school or work for this girl!...... well that was all fine and dandy until it didn't go away. One snow day is fine, but three? Now you're messing with people's lives nature! Because of the layer of ice underneath, everything that did melt re-froze overnight and this was Tuesday...


That's my driveway and side yard by my kitchen. I had to use it to go all the way around to the other side of my backyard to try and find my shovel. It is frozen solid. Can you see my footprints? They didn't sink at all. Guess who had to try and clear their car and driveway so they could go to work the next day? Yep. For anyone who has ever said women cant do shit- take one fucking look at my driveway. It may have taken me over 2 hours, but it got done and my car didn't get stuck, unlike the rest of the town. 

What hurt me the most is while I was struggling to plow the chunks of ice, tons and I mean TONS of neighbors saw me and did nothing. No one offered to help the tiny excuse of a girl who can barely lift her own body weight let alone 20 feet of ice. Thanks a lot assholes. So much for Southern hospitality- I saw none of it.

Today isn't any better and I'm hoping all this melts by the weekend. So hear me out Elsa- it looks like god damn Frozen outside! So unless you plan on giving me my own Olaf to play with, knock it off and give me the sun back.

Sincerely, me.

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Birthday Care Package

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J is one lucky duck that Valentine's Day and his birthday are in the same month, because he got two care packages for the month of February. Hey I just realized that we both share our birthdays with months of love. His and V-day and mine and our anniversary, go figure.
Anywho, I tried to keep this one with things he truly needed or things he is really interested in, and of course presents! I also managed to get his friends and family to send me messages to include in his box. I knew it would make it way more special for him to have everyone he loves in one place, and I had to try my hardest to keep it a secret.

His actual presents that I wrapped were the Beatles calendar and a book by his favorite author, which was really effing hard to track down for some reason. I wanted him to be able to see the days pass by and actually know what day it was, and have something to do while that time goes by. He's really into getting in shape right now, so majority of his food options for the rest of deployment will be healthy and full of protein.

Making these are really fun for me and have given me so many ideas to try and cheer up J while he's stuck in the giant sand bucket. He's really starting to look forward to them which makes me super happy but also pressured because I just want him to love them! Stay tuned for next month!



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Story Time

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I had the pleasure of working over the weekend while my boss people had a date night on the town. It's cool though, the nanny kid loves to snuggle at night so I was down for bath time and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on a Saturday night. That kid is one hell of a date, lemme tell ya. We had ourselves a little par-tay.
The usual ritual before sleepy time is lots of books, some nights it's the same one over and over again and others we just keep pulling them out of the bins til our brain gets word overload. This happened to be one of those nights and while I we usually enjoy the good writings of Sesame Street and Clifford the Big Red Dog, I came across a book that not only cracked me up purely because of it's existence [it is my kind of book] but also because it initially took me by surprise and I thought I was secretly being Punk'd and would get in trouble.
Obviously I could not keep this little musing to myself and insisted on bringing story time to all of you. It'll be a long one, but I promise it is soooo worth it. Won't you join us for some kid- adult interaction?

This seriously was the cover. I had never seen this book before and thought it was a clever play on words when I opened to find that indeed it was what my mind thought it to be...




"Go the Fuck to Sleep"
by Adam Mansbach


The cats nestle close to their kittens,
The lambs have lain down with the sheep.
You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear,
Please go the fuck to sleep.


The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest,
And the creatures who crawl, run, and creep.
I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying.
Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep.


The wind whispers soft through the grass, hon.
The field mice, they make not a peep.
It's been thirty-eight minutes already,
Jesus Christ, what the fuck? Go to sleep.


All the kids from day care are in dreamland,
The froggie has made his last leap.
Hell no, you can't go to the bathroom.
You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep.


The owls fly forth from the treetops,
Through the air, they soar and they sweep.
A hot crimson rage fills my heart, love.
For real, shut the fuck up and sleep.


The windows are dark in the town, child.
The whales huddle down in the deep.
I'll read you one very last book if you swear
You'll go the fuck to sleep.


The seeds slumber beneath the earth now,
And the crops that the farmers will reap.
No more questions. This interview's over.
I've got two words for you, kid: fucking sleep.


The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle,
The sparrow has silenced her cheep.
Fuck your stuffed bear, I'm not getting you shit.
Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep.


The flowers doze low in the meadows,
And high on the mountains so steep.
My life is a failure, I'm a shitty-ass parent.
Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep.


The giant pangolins of Madagascar are snoozing,
As I lie here and openly weep.
Sure, fine, whatever, I'll bring you some milk.
Who the fuck cares? You're not gonna sleep.


This room is all I can remember,
The furniture crappy and cheap.
You win. You escape. You run down the hall.
As I nod the fuck off, and sleep.


Bleary and dazed I awaken
To find your eyes shut, so I keep
My fingers crossed tight as I tiptoe away
And pray that you're fucking asleep.


We're finally watching our movie,
Popcorn's in the microwave. Beep.
Oh shit. Goddamn it. You've gotta be kidding me.
Come on, go the fuck back to sleep.



I had to include pictures of the book as proof that I did not come up with all that, because it sounds like something I would. If that offended you then you clearly did not get it and are a major poor sport. Everyone who has ever been at their wits end at night with a child knows that half the time they aren't paying attention anyway and you just make words up as you go along. As long as you're talking everything is fine and hopefully they will eventually drift off. Usually, like the book, I start talking to the kid. Any parent/ person who takes care of children can appreciate the humor of this and I obviously need to look up this author and purchase this book along with anything else he has written.

So did you enjoy story time?
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