Story Time

I had the pleasure of working over the weekend while my boss people had a date night on the town. It's cool though, the nanny kid loves to snuggle at night so I was down for bath time and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on a Saturday night. That kid is one hell of a date, lemme tell ya. We had ourselves a little par-tay.
The usual ritual before sleepy time is lots of books, some nights it's the same one over and over again and others we just keep pulling them out of the bins til our brain gets word overload. This happened to be one of those nights and while I we usually enjoy the good writings of Sesame Street and Clifford the Big Red Dog, I came across a book that not only cracked me up purely because of it's existence [it is my kind of book] but also because it initially took me by surprise and I thought I was secretly being Punk'd and would get in trouble.
Obviously I could not keep this little musing to myself and insisted on bringing story time to all of you. It'll be a long one, but I promise it is soooo worth it. Won't you join us for some kid- adult interaction?

This seriously was the cover. I had never seen this book before and thought it was a clever play on words when I opened to find that indeed it was what my mind thought it to be...

"Go the Fuck to Sleep"
by Adam Mansbach

The cats nestle close to their kittens,
The lambs have lain down with the sheep.
You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear,
Please go the fuck to sleep.

The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest,
And the creatures who crawl, run, and creep.
I know you're not thirsty. That's bullshit. Stop lying.
Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep.

The wind whispers soft through the grass, hon.
The field mice, they make not a peep.
It's been thirty-eight minutes already,
Jesus Christ, what the fuck? Go to sleep.

All the kids from day care are in dreamland,
The froggie has made his last leap.
Hell no, you can't go to the bathroom.
You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep.

The owls fly forth from the treetops,
Through the air, they soar and they sweep.
A hot crimson rage fills my heart, love.
For real, shut the fuck up and sleep.

The windows are dark in the town, child.
The whales huddle down in the deep.
I'll read you one very last book if you swear
You'll go the fuck to sleep.

The seeds slumber beneath the earth now,
And the crops that the farmers will reap.
No more questions. This interview's over.
I've got two words for you, kid: fucking sleep.

The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle,
The sparrow has silenced her cheep.
Fuck your stuffed bear, I'm not getting you shit.
Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep.

The flowers doze low in the meadows,
And high on the mountains so steep.
My life is a failure, I'm a shitty-ass parent.
Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep.

The giant pangolins of Madagascar are snoozing,
As I lie here and openly weep.
Sure, fine, whatever, I'll bring you some milk.
Who the fuck cares? You're not gonna sleep.

This room is all I can remember,
The furniture crappy and cheap.
You win. You escape. You run down the hall.
As I nod the fuck off, and sleep.

Bleary and dazed I awaken
To find your eyes shut, so I keep
My fingers crossed tight as I tiptoe away
And pray that you're fucking asleep.

We're finally watching our movie,
Popcorn's in the microwave. Beep.
Oh shit. Goddamn it. You've gotta be kidding me.
Come on, go the fuck back to sleep.

I had to include pictures of the book as proof that I did not come up with all that, because it sounds like something I would. If that offended you then you clearly did not get it and are a major poor sport. Everyone who has ever been at their wits end at night with a child knows that half the time they aren't paying attention anyway and you just make words up as you go along. As long as you're talking everything is fine and hopefully they will eventually drift off. Usually, like the book, I start talking to the kid. Any parent/ person who takes care of children can appreciate the humor of this and I obviously need to look up this author and purchase this book along with anything else he has written.

So did you enjoy story time?
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  1. Seriously laughing out loud right now. Hilarious!!!! Thanks for not being too scared to share this! :)

  2. Oh my gosh! That book is amazing!

  3. haha wow.....that's all i have to say....


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