Food Adventures: Fatties at the Fair

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Her face kills me. Beesh thinks she got away with stealing my kettlecorn. Psh. Yeah right.

There is something you need to know about me and Ali. We are fat asses. Majority of our friendship is based on eating. What we're eating, where we're eating, how much we're eating. We have no shame. And when we found out that it was going to be Two Dollar Tuesday at the fair, we nearly shit our pants from excitement. I haven't been to a state fair in over a decade. Fair food is bae. I was already looking forward to going but you bet your mama's sweet ass once I heard the news of glorious food at cheap prices my non-existent butt ran to the bank and took out some serious cash flow.

We. Ate. So. Much.

And by we I mean me. Because pictures don't lie. Obviously I am the smaller one of the two, but believe me when I say I eat about three times as much than majority of people. I am always hungry. Fat kid problems. Even typing this I'm munching on potato chips.

My main goal was to eat one of everything. But my mind just kept saying 'turkey leg'. The day was hot and humid as shit so the thing I consumed the most was freshly squeezed lemonade. God only knows I must have spent a fortune on that sweet beverage alone. Ice cream, pretzels, nachos, french fries, random deep-fried shit you can only get in the south- you name it, we ate it. Pretty sure I walked away from that fair with diabeetus. Worth it.

You'll notice the random markings on my shirt throughout the pictures. After about 10 minutes of walking I quickly realized although I was not wearing much it was still not gonna cut it. So every half hour or so I'd pour water down my shirt to prevent overheating and the inevitable boob river from flowing. Did it look like I peed my pants? Yes. Did I give a shit? Not at all.

Ali got to experience her her hometown fair, the baby got to pet a bunch of farm animals, and I got to stuff my face. Twas a good time. After 4 hours we were ready to bow out. Proud of little mama for lasting that long. We got to-go snacks for each person back at the house and got the hell outta dodge before everyone got off work and school. 

They all got a kick out of watching me pass around everyone's one item and then proceed to sit on the couch with a giant bag full of goodies all to myself. JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD. But seriously, mine.

Now I want a turkey leg. Fack.

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Birthday Shenanigans

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I am now 26 years old and officially in my 'late 20s'. Fuck my life.

When I was younger I never understood why women didn't like being asked their age. Now I get it. Cause you're just like 'fuuuuuuck, I'm old' any time you meet someone and you find out they are years younger than you. Like shit, what am I doin with my life? Ya know? ESPECIALLY living in a military town where bitches get married at like 18 and start poppin out babies. Which is another damn boat I'm in now. 'You mean you're 26 and still don't have any kids?' ....yeah, fuck off. Apparently my biological clock is ticking now. Oh well. 

Enough of that debbie downer shit, onto my birthday recap! The day could have gone a little better thanks to a certain somebody trying to ruin it 3 separate times. Asshole. Anyway, the bestie and I had just gotten to Indiana at midnight so we slept in a bit and the chaos began. Both the dogs decided to give me a birthday wake up call by jumping all over me at 8 am. So that was lovely. Breakfast was my mini dozen cupcakes from my Little Nugget; he is the god damn sweetest. Then we threw on some clothes and headed to Bocci's house [Ali's grandma]. It was the cutest house still reminiscent of the 70s, complete with wood paneling and everything.

It was then that I started getting all the phone calls. My mother does this thing where every year she calls me at 8:30 in the morning because that's the time I was born. Being 3 hours behind me, I knew she'd call at 11:30 so she wouldn't have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to do it at my time. We headed back to where we were staying that Ali dubbed our '3 Star Hotel' aka her sister's townhome. I got my extensions out, my cute dress on, and my flower crown to show the world it was my day and it was off for Panera and pedicures. I used to hate having my feet touched, but now it's one of the most relaxing things ever. It's the only time I ever spoil myself. Once I got my glittery toes we headed back to get ready for the night!

Listen, I don't know how bitches can wear extensions all day errday, cause that shit gets hot and heavy real fast. I did not want to be bothered with those things while I was out drinking in that hot ass humidity. So I took them som'bitches out and put my party dress on!

We dragged the roommate out with us and headed to Broad Ripple- this really awesome strip of bars and clubs in the middle of town. We were drunk, we were loud, and we were hot messes. The usual. It was good times with good people and I wish I could remember more of it. But isn't that how your birthday should go? Drinks, crazy awesome people, and loud music? Check. Hey, we got home at a respectable 1 am. I think we did pretty good.

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Indiana Recap

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Hey party people.

10 days in Indiana still wasn't enough time to do and see everything. We were in the main city of Indianapolis and that place is non-stop on the go. My boss gave me the week off and my original plans fell through, so the bestie told me to join her on a trip back home so I wouldn't spend my birthday alone. The night of the 5th we packed our shit and headed straight after the pouring rain of asshole Kentucky. We lost a bit of momentum in the beginning but instantly perked up when she introduced me to the wonders of Rally's food. Holy hell you guys, I can feed myself on 4 dollars INCLUDING an ice cream cone. It. Was. Heaven. I may have had it eight times. No judging.

This wasn't exactly a vacation, more of a visit/sos mission. Ali had a job interview and her sister's boyfriend got really sick days before we arrived. He was in and out of the hospital daily and everyone tried as much as they could to help. Of course we tried to do things here and there to make it a bit more fun, but the pictures don't show the stress and chaos behind the scenes. The saturday after we got there- the 6th- was my 26th birthday. Pedicures and cupcakes during the day, Broad Ripple strip by night. We bar hopped and made asses of ourselves- the usual.

We shopped at the local malls in between, and then Tuesday came. Two dollar Tuesday! It's been a whole friggin decade since I've been to the LA county fair and that seriously bums me out. Even typing that made me sad. So when I found out the Indiana State Fair was happening and all the food was gonna be two bucks, you bet your ass we made an appearance so I could stuff my face. And I shit you not when I say by the time I left I could not eat a single thing more. Only I did. Because I'm a fat ass. I have no shame.

We saw her relatives and friends which was super fun. I totally adopted them because I love crazy in my life and they were the right kind for me. Friday was our last main day and we wanted to make it count. So we headed to the zoo! Another thing I haven't done in many a moon. Pretty sure I was more excited about everything we did than the baby. I am basically a little kid on the inside, so that really shouldn't surprise anybody. AND I GOT TO TOUCH A SHARK!!!

The trip back wouldn't be complete without the same asshole rain making an appearance. But hey, I got my Rally's one last time. I'm gonna miss it. Sad face. But Ali assures me there is the exact same thing in Florida called Checker's. So I have that to look forward to.

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